Reflective practitioner: Another Round?

I have decided that another round of experiments is needed. I did not fully achieve my research aims and now think that I have a very clear idea of how to do that. I am going to start making moves towards organising that. I received some feedback from an audience member of Camden today and thought that I would share this with you:

My Siren Song Experience

I expect feelings of apprehension prior to attending an experimental, potentially interactive, piece of theatre are to be expected. The fact that I was a member of the production crew and had invited a few friends along, who had in turn invited a few of their friends along, seemed to increase these feelings exponentially.

Being the most closely connected to the production of the group meant I was regularly interrogated for a synopsis of the evenings proceedings. Despite being aware of the basic outline, I was uncertain of exactly how the evening would pan out and thus found it rather hard to relate to the group what they should expect. From somewhere, I think one of my friends who had read the blurb, came the word 'trauma'. This became the stock descriptor of the evening. Whenever a new arrival at the bar where we were rendez-vouzing asked the fateful question, the response now became “trauma” with a smile of irony added in for good measure.

Once we had all amassed, we headed off to find the theatre. Already late, and rather unsure of the venues exact location, the journey there became somewhat of a mission and soon developed into a joke. “So this is the idea of traumatic experimental theatre”, came the resounding murmur from the group.

Just as despair was setting in, we found the place. Relief and anxiety are very strange when taken mixed. We entered the space and took our seats, eyes expectantly following the red satin girls. An introduction was made, but the line between reality and performance was largely indistinguishable. First person monologues or conversations with the audience? It was hard to tell. References to an absent party whetted the appetite for late arrivals and built the suspense.

Proceedings continued; clear meaning still murky. Responses from the audience were elicited, though tenuous. A small group interacted freely, naturally partaking, while the majority sat awkward, unsure of their role.
Ripples of laughter from wit, but more often from tension, the performance continued, punctuated with ambiguous glances. I was not here for meaning so felt no need to ask questions. I came for entertainment and took every moment as it came. But my friends, for the most part, had eyes that asked Why? What? While their tongues remained frozen, locked in their role as audience members. Observers.

On occasion volunteers were needed. In the first instance I offered myself out of desire. In the second instance I offered myself to fill in the gaps. All of my friends seemed very reticent to offer, so I felt it my duty to make the performance what I felt it should be.

I smiled at our option to stop a performance. It felt empowering as an audience member, though I never exercised that control. At moments I felt I should but was held back by the sense that the moment of tension or trauma would pass; be resolved, and leave in its place a feeling of contentment. In a way it did, but I think the feeling would be more accurately described as relief rather than contentment.

The sight of bare flesh aroused something in me, but in the context of its occurrence was tainted with guilt. As shallow as it is, I knew the sight of those beautiful breasts would result in a slightly more positive response from at least one of my friends. Oh, the ease of male satisfaction. My sense of endurance began to fade towards the end as the subjection to traumatic experiences and stories continued. As a preference, I am not one who thrives on harrowing experiences, so was somewhat relieved to reach the end of the performance. It was hard to gauge my friend’s response to the performance, although for anyone to say that they enjoyed such an experience would be rather strange and masochistic in itself. At least in my opinion.

I need to get myself organised for my research trip to Edinburgh Fringe Festival but I will keep you posted of any PaR developments or activity. I may keep updating while I am in Edinburgh just for fun….to share my experiences as a reflective participant…as I am sure that some of the things I see will impact upon my thinking (well at least I hope they will). Roll on Summer.